EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL (strategies, stages, types + how to cope)

Blackmailing somebody means to control someone's behavior using something you know about them. Emotional blackmail, on the other hand, means to control someone's behavior to get emotional compensation - comfort, a sense of superiority, co dependency, etc. It is a process in which an individual makes demand and threats to manipulate another person to get what they want. It is a psychological abuse, which causes damage to the victims. 

It is a form of controlling someone's behavior. It is often not something that needs to be changed or is reasonable. It also has negative emotional effects on the one being emotionally blackmailed. More often, this happens unconsciously. The following are the characteristics of an emotional blackmailer:

• Narcissistic tendencies
• Intense anger
• Deep panic, anxiety or fear
• Fear of abandonment
• Emotionally immature
• Lack of accountability

Emotional blackmailing is also linked with behavior modification:

Punishment - Decreasing a behavior

Reinforcement - Increasing a behavior

• Positive Punishment: Giving unpleasant stimulus to decrease a behavior. For example, I'll hurt myself if you leave me.
• Negative Punishment: Taking away pleasant stimulus to decrease a behavior. For example, If you do not listen to me, I will never do your work again.
• Positive Reinforcement - Giving a pleasant stimulus to increase a behavior. For example, If you cut off ties from your family, we will be happy together.
• Negative Reinforcement - Taking away an unpleasant stimulus to increase a behavior. For example, If you stop stealing chocolates, I'll make more chocolates just for you.

Emotional blackmailing can occur in all four behavior modifications, but it mostly will be in negative reinforcement. 

FOG (FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT)

It is a term popularized by a book in 1974 by Forward and Fraizer. It says that fear, obligation and guilt are the dynamics in emotional blackmailing between the manipulator and the victim.

[Examples]

Fear - They'll hurt themselves if I leave them.

Obligation - I'd be such an ungrateful and disrespectful child if I leave my parents even though they're really toxic.

Guilt - I'd be such a bad person if I don't do this.

According to Forward, emotional blackmail occurs in close relationships. The blackmailer will use the information they learn about what the victim fears to manipulate them, and the most painful thing about emotional blackmailing is that the blackmailer use personal information about the victim's vulnerabilities against them. They also make threats related to the victim's emotional triggers to force compliance. 

TYPES OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS 

1. Punisher: They somehow threaten to emotionally hurt the other person if they don't do something they want them to do. For example, "I'll take away your mobile phone if you don't stop talking to this person".
2. Self punisher: They threaten to hurt themselves if the other person does not respond positively to their demands. For example, "I will hurt myself if you ignore me again".
3. Sufferer: They will blame you for their own emotional negative state or suffering. Like, "you are the reason why I am never able to stay happy".
4. Tantalizer: These people sort of dangle the reward in front of you to get you to do what they want. For example, "I am getting you a new video game if you tell me the secret".
   

STAGES OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

1. Demand - This is where the manipulator puts forward their demand from the other person.
2. Resistance - In this stage, the other person resists the manipulator's demand, maybe because it is unreasonable or they simply don't like doing what they've been asked.
3. Pressure - The manipulator then begins to pressurize the victim of doing what they want them to do.
4. Threatening
5. Compliance
6. Cycle repeats - This is where the blackmailer realizes that they are getting whatever they want this way, and they repeat doing this in the future. 

WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE THE VICTIM

• Recognize what exactly is happening with you. Blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they're manipulating us. So it is important for you to first recognize how they're actually manipulating you. To know if you're getting emotionally blackmailed, ask yourself these:
  
  
  - What type of behavior modification is this? (Try to recognize how exactly they're trying to manipulate you.)
  - Are they trying to control my behavior?
  - Is this behavior reasonable of them to expect me to change?
  - Is this person causing me to feel bad?
• Learn to say 'no'. If you think what they're trying to get done from you isn't reasonable, just say no. And when you do so, stick to your reasons to say no and do not agree with them if you don't actually want to.
• Try to get out of the situation. Emotional blackmailing comprises the victim's sense of  integrity and self esteem. You are even allowed to leave a relationship where your partner emotionally manipulates you.
• The more you resist, the more they'll realize that it doesn't work.

If you're reading this and wondering, that you're the one who emotionally blackmails others, consider the following:

• Realize what you're doing, even if unintentional. Realizing how you might be manipulating somebody, can alone be a big step.
• Stop justifying to anybody that doesn't agree with your demands. If you feel the other person doesn't really want to do what you've asked them to do, don't convince.
• Learn to communicate effectively. Understand that emotionally blackmailing somebody isn't the only way possible to get your needs met. 
• Use simple words to explain what you want. For instance, if you want your friend to keep distance from a specific person because you know they're bad for your friend, simply tell them, "I think this girl isn't right for you as she's been speaking bad things about you behind your back, and you should stop hanging out with her".

Forward suggests additional techniques to help stop emotional blackmail. Establish an SOS before responding to a demand:

• STOP: Take time to think about it.
• OBSERVE: Observe your own reactions, emotions, triggers or thoughts.
• STRATEGIZE: Analyze the demand and the potential impact of complying. Consider what you need and explore alternative options.

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