DEALING WITH JEALOUSY
(jealousy)
Jealousy generally refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear and concern over a relative lack of possessions or safety. It is when you are afraid that something or someone that belongs to you will get taken away. And, it is different from envy, as envy is when you want something or someone that belongs to someone else.
(envy)
Research has linked several traits to greater jealousy:
- low self esteem
- neuroticism; a general tendency to be moody or anxious
- feelings of insecurity and possessiveness
- fear of abandonment
- an anxious attachment style
A few events that trigger jealousy:
- Perception that an important relationship is being threatened or is about to be lost. For example, someone getting much closer to your best friend than you.
- Someone being more attractive than you. For example, if you think the person standing next to you looks more attractive than you, you might become instinctively insecure.
- Being treated as unimportant by the people you want to get closer to. For example, if the person you want to be friends with is constantly avoiding you but have the time to see other people, you might develop feelings of jealousy.
Biological changes from jealousy:
- breathlessness
- heart racing
- a lump in the throat
- muscles tensing
- choking sensation
- teeth clenching
- having an injured ego or pride
- becoming suspicious of others
- helplessness
- need to be in control
- wanting to grasp whatever you have
Expressions of jealousy:
- violent or aggressive actions or words
- attempting to control whoever you are losing
- verbal accusations of loyalty
- spying and interrogating someone
- looking for extra information
- co dependency
- exaggerating the care and love for the person you're losing.
After effects of jealousy are never fruitful. They include:
- Seeing the worst in others - You'll never believe in everyone the same way.
- Misinterpreting things. For example, misinterpreting a nice gesture with flirting.
- Getting isolated or withdrawn.
DEALING WITH JEALOUSY:
DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) suggests two questions to ask in order to react to jealousy:
- Does the emotion fit the facts?
- Would acting on it be effective?
Here, you must first ask yourself if being jealous fits right with the facts. For example, if you are jealous because your best friend is getting close with someone else, try to understand if being jealous over this is appropriate. In this case, your friend might just be inviting other people in her or his life, which is completely fine. So, do the opposite of your jealous instincts. That includes-
- interrogating yourself
- changing the way you think about the situation
- letting go of jealousy; stop spying or constantly questioning the other person(s)
- allowing yourself to share the people and the things in your life
- practice breathing exercises, in response to the biological effects of jealousy
If jealousy does fit the facts, ask yourself if acting on this situation would be effective in the long term.
- If no, avoid reacting to the situation, rather try to question why do you feel the need to be jealous.
- If acting on the situation seems effective, don't just react instinctively, but what you do is problem solving. This includes addressing the people involved and working out the problem with them.
For example, if you feel jealous when a third person is getting closer to your best friend and they barely have enough time for you, you can confront him or her about this and they'll let you know what they have to say, and then you may decide what to do about it.
Sometimes, jealousy is justified. If your partner has had an affair and has betrayed your trust, which is absolutely a serious issue, your jealous feelings may be a good reason to leave the relationship. But, if you find yourself getting jealous over every little stupid thing, you're not showing love, rather you're revealing your own insecurities. So, it is always important to first feel complete in and with yourself, and not look for someone or something else to make you feel complete.
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