TOXIC POSITIVITY (signs, kinds + how to avoid)

 

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People usually link their emotions directly with the events that take place in their lives. Actually, it is not the event but the perception we hold that causes us to feel negative or positive emotions. For example, two cars gets stuck together in a traffic jam at the same time. The person in the first car gets frustrated because h/she is now late at work, and the person in the second car isn't, because h/she thinks of it as a time to work on his/her patience. So, it is your own views on the events, that cause you to feel negative emotions.

Psychologists claimed that there is a difference between emotions in the scientific sense, and emotions in the psychological sense. The stoics, back in time, came up with the similar conclusion, separating the two following terms:

Impressions - automatic response to events that is unconscious

Ascent - your second response to events that is unconscious (which is controllable)

So, if we ignore the emotions originating from the Amygdala i.e the flight or fight response system, emotions are actually cognitively assembled conscious feelings. Which means, emotions are conscious constructions in the mind. 

Knowing this, positivity becomes much easier. For instance, if I fail in an exam, I would just redirect my thoughts; if someone is mean to me, I would just redirect my thoughts and not react. But as and when you notice that "redirecting your thoughts" is basically controlling all your emotions, you'll realize that this endless positivity or the belief - "good vibes only" has a darker side to it. 

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• Positivity - focusing on the good in life and being grateful.
• Toxic positivity - ignoring the good in life and suppressing your emotions

This blog post is not about convincing you into believing that all positivity is toxic, no it is not. Positivity is great! But anything too much isn't healthy. 

What you actually do when you say "I must stay positive, It is all going to be alright, there's no need to worry", is suppress your own emotions. When you suppress your emotions, you are only making things worse. 

During a psychological experiment, two groups of participants were asked to watch an open wound surgery for a given time. The first group was told to watch it normally and their emotions were calculated accordingly; the second group was told to not react at all while they watch. After the surgery ended, it was observed that the second group that was told not to show any emotions, had a much intense outburst of emotions at the end. 

SIGNS 

• hiding your true feelings
• stuffing/dismissing emotions of your own or others
• feeling guilty for feeling what you feel
• minimizing other people's experiences with "feel good" quotes

KINDS OF TOXIC POSITIVITY

WITH OTHERS

It is when you encourage somebody else to stay positive and see the bright side only. Here, positivity is toxic as instead of being realistic and facing the negative too in order to understand the situation properly, you are just encouraging the other person to suppress their negative emotions and cover them up with "happy thoughts". 

Toxic positivity does not really come from people with bad intentions, it comes from a person who just wants to be positive, but they run out of things to say or they don't know how to effectively show empathy. 

For example, suppose you are talking with a friend and telling him/her how stressed and overwhelmed you are. The most possible response from them would be "It is all going to be okay, you can always work things out, don't be sad!". In the friend's mind, they truly want to help you and encourage you to be faithful, but the problem is that it can make your emotions less valuable and effective. 

Emotions are complicated, but that is okay. They need to be felt! If you really are a good friend, you must not only be with the other person in their good, but also in their bad. You can simply just sit with them and let them know that you understand. True relationships happen when you allow yourselves to be vulnerable and get through things together. 

WITH YOURSELF

It is when you force yourself to only think positive and avoid any kind of negativity. Sometimes, taking notice of the negative can help us understand the situations properly. It gives us an opportunity to see things from a wider perspective.

For example, you are worried that your friend is in anxiety, because you care for them, and that is okay; you are feeling overwhelmed being stuck in a traffic jam, because you know you might miss something important at work, and that is okay. Life is not always joyful and merry. Instead of always trying to be all positive, begin to accept the negative and learn how to cope with it. 

If right now I ask you to think of anything for the next ten seconds, but just not think of a monkey, your mind will present to you a number of images of monkeys. It will be difficult for you to control yourself from not thinking of monkeys. Similarly, when you are asking yourself or someone else to not think of the negative, you are not really bringing about a good change. This is just how our mind functions. When we know that it is not likely to take charge of our thoughts, lets just accept them. 

HOW TO AVOID TOXIC POSITIVITY 

Toxic positivity does not come from a bad place, but from not knowing what to say. It happens very unconsciously. Below are some phrases we can use to avoid toxic positivity:

Instead of saying  -  Say

It'll all be fine.  -  How can I help you?

You should smile more.  -  Is everything okay?

Don't worry about it  -  What can we do about it?

It could be worse!  -  I understand

Don't be so negative.  -  It must be hard! Tell me about it. 

Think positively.  -  I am here for you!

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