DEALING WITH GUILT AND SHAME

Guilt is when you feel bad for something that you've done, and shame is when you feel bad because your behavior is being criticized. While guilt is internal, shame is external. Sometimes feelings of shame can lead to feelings of guilt if you agree with what people have criticized you for. Although, it is not always the case, as at times our values contradicts with those of our society. 

GUILT

source

Also referred to as remorse, regret or sorry, guilt is when your behavior violates your own values or moral code. Sometimes, guilt can be essential in order to realize your wrong doings and make positive changes within yourself. 

Examples:

1. Doing something that is perceived to be against your religious beliefs.
2. Betraying a co-worker to get the promotion you need.
3. Causing harm/danger to others or oneself.
4. Speaking bad things about your friends.
5. Getting reminded of something wrong you did in the past.

Biological changes:

• Hot or red face
• Nervousness
• Feeling of suffocation

Response:

• Repairing the harm or damage that you caused or changing the outcome of something you did. For instance, fixing an abject that you broke or cheering up a person you upset.
• Apologizing and asking for forgiveness. 
• Confessing what you've done and showing apologetic behavior, such as bowing your head or promising a change in behavior. 
• Giving gifts or making sacrifices for the person you've caused harm. 

Consequences:

• Making resolutions to change.
• Joining self-help programs.
• Realizing past mistakes and not repeating them. 

SHAME

source

Also referred to as embarrassment, humiliation or self consciousness, shame is when we feel rejected by a person or group of persons that we care about, or when something about us or our behavior has been made public. Shame can sometimes be associated with narcissism, as narcissists won't feel guilty for hurting others due to lack of empathy, but they are strongly prone to feelings of shame as they rely on others' opinions and validation. 

Examples:

1. Getting caught cheating on a test.
2. Getting betrayed by someone you love.
3. Being laughed at or made fun of.
4. Being criticized in public or in front of someone close to you.
5. Doing or feeling something that people perceive to be wrong even though it is not wrong to you, like, getting into a gay relationship.

Biological changes:

• Feeling a pain in the pit of the stomach.
• Wanting to disappear.
• Wanting to hide or cover yourself.

Response:

• Hiding or avoiding what you've done.
• Avoiding or cutting off the people that criticized you.
• Distracting yourself.
• Apologizing

Consequences:

• Avoiding thinking about your transgression.
• Disassociating oneself.
• Attacking or blaming others, which is most likely to be a response of a narcissist. 

HOW TO COPE:

1. Does your emotion(guilt/shame) fit the facts?

Has your behavior violated your own values, or are you embarrassed because something about you has been made public? If yes, then it is appropriate to feel that way.

2. Will acting on the emotion be effective?

If yes, then the problem has been solved.

For example, you've cheated on your partner. In this case, feeling guilty is appropriate because you did something that violates your moral code. Acting on it will also be effective because that way it will make you feel less guilty in the future. So, figuring out how you can change such behavior and coming out clean will help dealing with feelings of guilt.

If your emotion does not fit the facts and acting on it is not effective:

• Make your actions public to the people who won't reject you.
• Repeat the behavior that sets off your guilt without hiding it.
• Do not apologize if it does not go against your values.
• Changing body posture to look more proud and confident, like, keeping your head high, maintaining eye contact and using a clear tone while speaking. 

***