THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND VICTIM PLAYING

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A victim is a person who has been attacked, harmed, cheated or fooled by someone else, or is someone that is harmed by an unpleasant event, such as an accident or an illness. Someone seeking justice over injustice in not playing the victim. Someone playing the victim falsely blames that you wronged them. 

Victim hood is not a personality trait or an identity. It is also largely linked to covert narcissism, as many narcissists would play the victim card to gain attention from other people or even to manipulate. "Victims" often tend to tell the entire world about their business and reveal personal details that other people would generally not want to hear. 

The terms "victim" and "survivor" are often used interchangeably, though they serve different purposes. The main difference between the two is that victims always have something to gain from their identity, be it attention, sympathy, easier life situations or getting other people to do their work, whereas, survivors do not. Survivors are those who help themselves, demand justice and want to become as strong as everyone else. 

DARVO

Often, people who wrongly play the victim are the ones who have victimized others. DARVO is an acronym for - deny, attack, reverse victim and offend.

For instance: you tell a parent that you feel bad and unworthy when they call you stupid and that it really affects your self-esteem.

In response, they try to contradict your facts and deny that they ever called you stupid (deny), and rather start to blame you for being an ungrateful and a disrespectful child (attack). They say things like, "I've done so much for you and you still treat me like this" (reverse victim). Then, they try to punish you by refusing to speak to you for a long time (offend).

Offenders are often the people who play victims and reverse the situation when you bring up their problematic behavior to them. That is not to say that all victims are offenders, but the offenders often play the victim. 

SIGNS

1. A reaction to something that didn't go their way: Generally, when people don't get what they expect out of a situation, they try to control the situation by playing the victim card. For example, you catch a friend stealing money from your wallet, when you ask them why they stole, they tell you that they're having a hard time paying the rents. Though, this might be a real reason, but that doesn't justify them stealing from a friend. Explanations shouldn't be rationalizations. 

2. They're not directly saying what they want: People playing victims only throw accusations without a clear goal or a reason. For instance, "This person has wronged me and I want him to be fired". Often times, this happens because it's more of a psychic need of the person, rather than a tangible need.

3. They can't provide evidence: When someone is incapable of providing concrete evidence or unable to explain their reasons clearly, it is likely that the person might be playing a victim. For example, an employee in an office wants another employee to be fired, but is unable to explain his reasons. 

Though, there are situations where a person might actually be a victim without a solid evidence. 

4. Victim hood has become their whole identity: We are all victims at some point in our lives, but most of us try to cope, move past and put it behind us. If someone's whole identity is wrapped around being wronged by someone else and if they're constantly feeling like getting wronged, they are more likely to just be playing victims. This is sometimes referred to as victim complex. 

WHY DO PEOPLE PLAY THE VICTIM?

• Attention: Some people just care about getting enough attention, be it good or bad, as for them any publicity is good publicity. For example, someone posting their personal issues online, which aren't as huge in real life.

• Manipulation: Many times, people might act powerless in order to get control over a situation or get the other person to do what they want. For example, a daughter wants her mother to buy her a candy, when the mother refuses, she goes to the other family members to cry about it until they are compelled to tell her mother to just get her what she wants. 

• Revenge: Rather than coping, people playing victims might just want to hurt your image if you pointed them out on something. For example, you confront someone that they've hurt you and they make the whole situation about them by accusing you of false things because you called them out. 

WAYS TO RESPOND TO SOMEONE PLAYING A VICTIM:

1. Do not be responsive at all. Don't go around telling people what they don't want to know, don't try to justify anything, just remain silent and go on with your life. Most people who play victims, just do it for attention and when you don't give them the reinforcement that they need, they would no longer feel like what they're doing is worth. 

2. Contradict their reasons, or try to prove them wrong.

3. Alert the people in your life. This could be an opportunity for other people to hear your side, and even be on your side as people generally believe the first version of reality that they hear.

4. Straight up call out the person and defend yourself in public. This is on the more extreme side, when you really think that the person might affect your interpersonal relationships or other aspects of your life.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Getting victimized can be really frustrating. If you are ever put into such a place, know that it might be an opportunity for you to find out who really are the quality people in your life. It might be a chance for you to reassess your social circle. Always be open to hearing both sides of the story, rather than believing in only one perspective and attacking the person involved on its basis.  

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