BECOMING ASSERTIVE AND MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES

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Assertiveness is the ability to speak up for ourselves in a way that's honest and respectful. It is being direct and blunt about your wants and needs, without being aggressive. It is a social skill and some people might naturally be more prone to being assertive than others. It involves open expression of emotions, reduced anxiety, positive attitude about oneself, confident body language, adaptive behavior, lower social anxiety and higher self esteem. While assertiveness offers a number of benefits, poor assertiveness may be a severe disadvantage.  

It is important to stay balanced on each sides of the spectrum, that is, neither be passive nor aggressive. For instance:

Passive - "Sure, I'd help you."

Aggressive - "I'm tired of your neediness, you never do anything yourself."

Assertive - "I won't be able to help this time."

Sometimes, people misunderstand assertiveness with aggressiveness. This is especially true in the case of women, as most women who are simply assertive are labelled to be 'mean'. 

What does assertiveness sound like?

- No

- I'm not comfortable doing it.

- I do not want to.

- I understand why you're saying that but I disagree.

- I don't have the time for this.

- This isn't acceptable.

- I don't like it when you do this.

- I'm not interested.

- I'm hurt by what you said/did.

SIGNS OF UN-ASSERTIVENESS:

• Extreme passivity 
• Speaking indirectly/sugarcoating
• Hesitating while mentioning your needs or wants
• Difficulty in making eye contacts, especially with authority figures
• Finding the need to apologize first
• Sensitivity to criticism 
• Anxiety and insecurity 

It is important to examine why you are sometimes assertive and sometimes not. In what areas do you feel completely comfortable with acting assertive and in what areas you don't, and what are the reasons behind it. For example, a person might feel comfortable with being assertive with their family and not with their teachers, because with family members, they don't have to fear that they would abandon them or leave them. So, the ability to not be assertive with one's teachers is because of the fear of rejection.

IN WHAT SITUATIONS SHOULD YOU BE ASSERTIVE?

Questions to ask yourself before deciding how strongly to ask for something:

- Is this person capable of giving what I want?

- Is getting my objective more important than my relationship with this person?

- Am I responsible for telling this person what to do?

- Is what I want appropriate for this relationship?

- Do I give as much as I get with this person?

Questions to ask before deciding how strongly to say no:

- Can I give the person what is wanted?

- Is my relationship more important than saying no?

- Will saying no make me feel bad about myself?

- Is the other person responsible for telling me what to do?

- In the long term, will I regret saying no?

- Do I owe this person a favor? 

SETTING AND MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES

1. Find a neutral time:

When mentioning your boundaries, find a neutral time when your emotions aren't highly activated. This can be done in a simple setting and in a polite and a nice manner. 

2. State your boundaries and the consequences clearly:

When you've found the appropriate time and environment, state your needs or expectations very bluntly along with the consequences. For instance, "I want you to help me with the chores whenever I need you to, or else I will not do them all by myself and they'll be left undone." 

3. Use assertive language:

You do not have to be rude or aggressive towards the other person, and at the same time, you don't have to sound unsure of yourself or unassertive. For example, an unassertive statement would be something like, "I'd love if you could help with the chores, if you're unable to, I'm afraid they won't get done properly." 

4. Do not emotionally blackmail:

Remember that it is about getting your needs met, and not about punishing or controlling the other person's behavior. For example, an emotional blackmail would sound like, "If you can't help me with the chores, I will not continue to live with you."

5. Boundary testing:

It's important that you stay firm with the consequences of your boundaries. For example, you've told your mom to not yell at you whenever she is frustrated or else you'll leave the room. But, she still continues to do so. So, each time she yells at you, you will have to leave the room as per the consequence of the boundary. This way, you're training the other person that the consequence of x will always be y. 

6. Don't let people shame you for your boundaries:

If you've stated your boundaries once, or even twice, and the other person has still not shown a change in their behavior, it is a clear sign that they do not respect you or your boundaries enough. 

CONCLUSION

Practice is the only way to improvement. You can participate in role plays, or online assertiveness tests, or therapy, but more importantly you must practice assertiveness in real life. Concisely state what you want and carefully listen to the other person's response. Respect their thoughts and feelings and don't attack or argue. Instead, offer adaptive solutions to the problem. If you've reached a position where there is no promised compromise, it is best to walk away. 

Though, you do not have to pressurize yourself into behaving a certain way. If you fail to be assertive enough, figure out what went wrong and what would you want to do differently the next time. Assertiveness is a skill and it won't come to you instantly. It may take a longer period of time. Keep records of how much you are improving, for which, assertiveness journals could be extremely helpful. 

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