THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND PEOPLE-PLEASING

People-pleasing or a tendency to prioritize the needs and wants of others above one's own is a typical behavior that many people engage in. As social beings, it is usual for us to want to be liked, accepted, and validated by others, but for some of us, the "need" to be liked becomes so strong that we end up going to great lengths to do so and also end up sacrificing our own needs and wants. 

A people pleaser is usually considered to be a helpful and a  kind person. But, there is a fine line between being kind and being nice. Niceness isn't a value, kindness is. Oftentimes, people might be unkind to themselves at the cost of being nice to someone else. A major reason why we want to be nice to others is that we care so much about others' perception of us, and we fear disappointing them. We go out of our ways to help people, just so they think of us positively. 

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SIGNS OF A PEOPLE-PLEASER

• Agreeing with everyone because you want to earn their admiration and not because you believe what they're saying.
• Blaming yourself and apologizing for things that aren't your fault.
• Making up excuses to get out of a commitment instead of saying no from the scratch.
• Shifting or changing behavior and attitude to match with that of a person or a group. 
• Being fearful of and doing anything possible to avoid conflict.
• A rise or fall in the level of confidence based on others' perceptions.

CONSEQUENCES 

• If you're constantly seeking others' validation and approval, you can lose sight of who you are. Such people might end up spending too much time trying to please others that they would not know what to do with themselves when people stop asking them for anything.

• It might cause the person to entirely depend on others' affirmations in order to feel content. The stress from constant people-pleasing can make it difficult to enjoy the time spent alone.

• Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. This may lead to burnout.

• It can also result in built-up resentment, because of a sense that people take advantage of you. This anger can lead to passive-aggressive comments and signs of frustration.

• It can even make it difficult to form authentic and meaningful relationships, as one can be afraid of expressing their true thoughts and feelings.

WHY DO PEOPLE ENGAGE IN IT?

• One of the key reasons why people generally engage in people-pleasing behavior is the desire for approval and acceptance from others. This desire is rooted in the need for social connection, which is a fundamental human need.

• Additionally, people-pleasers often have a fear of rejection or abandonment. They may worry that if they don't constantly strive to meet the expectations of others, they will be seen as unimportant or unworthy of love and attention. This fear can be particularly strong in people who have experienced rejection or abandonment in the past, such as in childhood or in past relationships. 

• Another factor that can contribute to people-pleasing behavior is a lack of assertiveness, because of which there may be difficulty expressing one's boundaries.

• Such people are largely insecure. Insecurity might lead to people wanting to feel needed and useful. They don't rely on independent thinking as they do not have the confidence to do so.

People pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as 'sociotropy', or being overly concerned with earning people's approval as a way to maintain relationships. This type of behavior can be a symptom of mental conditions like:

- Anxiety or depression

- Avoidant personality disorder

- Borderline personality disorder

- Codependency or dependent personality disorder

OVERCOMING PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIOR

1. The first step towards overcoming such behavior is to de-catastrophize the fear of what people think of you. It's crucial to understand that you cannot please everyone or be desired at all times. Acting a certain way to please one person may upset or offend somebody else. Instead, try to act authentically, and chances are, people who truly appreciate and admire you will continue to respect you even in times you're not necessarily nice and polite to others, but kind enough to yourself. 

2. Ask yourself how important it is for you to know what a stranger thinks about you. Drawing a boundary with someone you're not already acquainted with, shouldn't feel like a huge piece of work. How does it even matter if your politeness comes in the way of you getting your needs met? 
Learn to set healthy boundaries by identifying and taking notes of the things you do that make you unhappy or used. For instance, getting coffee for a coworker on a regular basis. This will allow you to remain true to yourself without feeling the need to please everyone. Boundaries give you the ability to say 'no' when someone asks for your time you can't afford to give.

3. Stop making excuses every time someone asks you to do something for them. This will not only save you from burnout but this way, you will have more time and energy to do what you really want to do. If you realize that in the end, you really just want to reject a request from somebody, rather than dragging the situation for too long, say no to it with the reason right at the given moment. 

4. Spend more time alone, as it is sometimes essential for your mental and physical health. Many people are afraid of being alone as they worry it will bring them feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anxiety. But, doing so can help us understand our own thoughts, feelings, and needs. As when we're alone we have no one to please but ourselves. You will stop thinking about what others think of you when you're enjoying the solitude.

5. There are times when people are not aware that they're bothering you. They might be your friends or even family and might have good intentions. But, if something does not fit right with you, it becomes important to confront and take a stand. Being assertive does not come easily and so it might take a little practice.

6. Truly accepting oneself can be quite difficult at times. But it is equally crucial as it saves up a lot of our time and energy for ourselves by allowing us to detach from the obsession over others' opinions of us. Before we're honest with others, it's important we remain honest with ourselves. Part of accepting yourself is acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses and using them to your advantage.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Overall, the psychology of people-pleasing highlights the importance of balancing the needs of others with one's own needs. While it's important to prioritize social connection and empathy, it's equally important to prioritize self-care and authenticity. By developing a healthy balance between these competing needs, people can cultivate more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, both with themselves and with others.

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