HELP-REJECTING COMPLAINERS

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It is usual to come across people who are almost always directly or indirectly asking for help, only to turn down any help that may be offered. They constantly feel sorry for themselves, exaggerate their problems, and do not take the blame for anything being their fault. Such individuals are called help-rejecting complainers. It is a term given to a person who complains as a way to seek help and support but rejects any proposed solutions. It is said to have been coined by Jerome Frank in 1952, to categorize individuals who were difficult to treat especially during psychotherapy. 

Chronic complainers are often so invested in being a victim and expect the other person to offer endless empathy. Sometimes there may be loads of complaints called as an episode of dumping, where a person is overwhelmed with negative feelings and wants to lash out. Dealing with chronic complainers can be draining and exhausting and can leave people around them feeling helpless. Understanding their behavior may help in more efficient interactions with them.

Understanding the mindset and behavior:

• Such persons have a pattern of complaining to seek support and are often unaware of it. They do not welcome any constructive suggestions, and their typical response is that the given solution won't work for them. This is because of a sense of helplessness and pessimism. They believe their problems are unique and insurmountable.
• Due to a fear of change and hopelessness, they avoid taking the responsibility of making any effort to alter their life circumstances, which in turn results in circling back to the original complaints with no progress made. 
• They carry viewpoints of all events in their life biased by their past life experiences. If an individual has been through challenging times, they may adopt a victim mindset and opt for complaining as a defense mechanism to deal with the circumstances of their life.
• Referred to as empathetic narcissists, they don't always complain because they want to solve their problems. They do so to get their feelings recognized and validated. They expect others to join them in their self-pity. So, providing empathy might not always work best for them. 
• Complainers depend heavily on the listeners which creates a one-sided relationship where the complainer repeatedly seeks emotional support without appreciating or reciprocating the listener's effort. Even if they're able to acknowledge that their feelings are recognized by the other, they may still not respond well because they unconsciously think they deserve to suffer. 
• Complainers also fail to acknowledge and appreciate the positive events of their lives. They generally show no signs of gratitude towards any positive happenings or whatever that works in their favor and rather focus on their problems and what doesn't work in their favor. This is because they cannot pull themselves out of the hole they're in and experience the need to feed the negativity.

How to deal with chronic complainers:

1. Set boundaries: It is important to protect your own emotional well-being by straightening out the amount of time and energy you have to attend to their complaints. Moreover, ask in advance if they intend to get your opinion on the matter or they just want to vent.
2. Advice: If you must give any advice, do not necessarily expect it to be accepted. Remember that you cannot always help. Knowing ahead of time that there are reasons as to why they won't follow through with your advice will help you feel less frustrated by their behavior. 
3. Recognize: Understand that ultimately, they're coming from a place of hurt and disappointment, so acknowledge their strengths and give a sympathetic, expressive, and emotional response. Avoid telling them to 'get over it' or that it cannot be that bad.
4. Never feed into their complaints: What complainers are seeking is validation and want others to approve that their problems deserve more attention than others'. This gives fuel to the established pattern of complaining with no improvements. Instead, ask them what they plan to do about the situation.
5. Redirect the conversation: The cycle of complaining might be frustrating and tiring for the listener. An effective way to deal with it is to listen, acknowledge, respond, and then redirect the conversation to a more buoyant and subtle topic. 

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